Let's go Europe

Vasilis'  motto:

"When all is imperialist, capitalist and causes  problems - instantly click  the panic button. "

L A U R E N Ţ I U      B U D Ǎ U

LET'S GO EUROPE

CHARACTERS:

IONAS - receptionist of the hostel

DINA Ballerina

BABIS - Vasilis' uncle and the hostel's unofficial administrator

NADEJDA

THEOLOGos - The representative  of the Tourist Police

NOTE: Any resemblance with facts and real people, is of course, less probable.

The Author

THE DECOR

           

The decor is the office of Vasilis located behind the reception which communicates through an opening concealed by a curtain of beads, which leaves suspicion or lets foresee silhouettes and behind which you can hear quite distinctly the voices of the customers, otherwise it is a wonderful place from where you can hear and see everything without being seen or heard... Above the opening in question, there is a preventive sign with capital letters, situated in a baroque frame: "We do not welcome Bulgarians, Romanians and dogs!" On the left wall are all the "saints" of Communism from Marx, Engels and ending with Lenin Fidel Castro smoking a cigar. On the right wall there are countless posters of the Olimpiakos Piraeus team in its moments of glory.

A C T   I

Scene 1

Vasilis's office submerged in semi-darkness, is indirectly lightened up from the reception. Two figures are distinguished  quite clearly on the leather sofa, which does not leave any place for misinterpretations that it is a couple. The burning of a perfumed cigar describes scented paths winding through the air. There are silent heated discussions, in Greek language, of which we understand, however, the opposition words  spoke by a very young woman... Two noisy slaps accompanied by a deaf and strangled yell... Darkness ...

Scene 2

(BABIS, IONAS )

BABIS (extremely angry): Are you Turkish? Po-po-po-po-po! I told you to find me a company, boy! A serious company of boilers installation, do you understand?

IONAS: So what? Limassol Group, PAPOUTSIS SRL, are not companies?

BABIS: Do not be rude, because I will get much more angry ... Aye,aye,aye! I will  change you, I told you I will! Since when is Limassol Group, that dirty international who launders money for the Bulgarian mafia, a company? And PAPOUTSIS SRL, that is the one on behind of which swarm the Jews from Haifa, do you want to say that is a company and yet one of our companies! (Saying kindly.) Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Which is your nationality, dear? From which planet did you come from, Ionas dear ,  for you have not learned yet to distinguish between white collar scoundrels and decent people?

IONAS: If only I knew ... Nausea, in fact as my blackouts, started exactly eighteen months ago, when I wrecked here on Tykotos and  when Kir Vasilis  found me clenched like a scorpion on that tiny polystyrene panel, since when old Dina thaught me how to speak humanly again with every tablespoon of soup that... (         Unsure.) The rest is a huge confusion from the hit, I think ... Total and abysmal Haloimis.

BABIS (softened): Ah, do not mention me about that hag of Dina... Brrr! (Snorers.) Everyone should know or  even try to know who we are! Lucky, you had luck I say to you, Ionas with this neo-communist nephew of mine, yes, yes, with the Orthodox of Vasilis. That is him, poor man, if he has not got any children, he gathers all the scumbags without a God from channels ,from parks (although he is a convinced atheist!) and he brings them to cringe here at Trojan Horse, in this paradise full of white sheets, where even angels are reluctant to sit on the bed or jump on them... It seems that you ate a lot from the potty when you were a baby. Do not contradict me, because BABIS knows what he is talking about. (Knocking delicately on the silver plate.) And I,and you too, and Dina, and that Brazilian nigger from the bar should, should kiss his communist buttocks tattooed with KKE, every dinner and lunch. Even Kostas the crippled who made ​​his nest in the tourist luggage room and who does not do anything and even that sly of Brudy.

IONAS (insidious): And how should this company be, Babis uncle, to be reliable at all?

BABIS(quick as a flash): How should it be? An honest company that should respect its deadlines and that should keep a keen eye on its work, like a bitch to its bone and who should not increase its taxes to rip off its clients, what else, one of our companies! A disciplined company as an infantry regiment in charge of pure race horses! These are the basic clues. Give me that cheap rag and you will see how I track it down in a second.

  

            Grabs the newspaper, puts on his glasses with lenses thick as a soda bottom and begins to study it carefully, muttering obsessivly "these are thieves, those are thieves, the other ones bandits, the rest robbers, thieves".

BABIS: All right, baby! Simple! Learn to know people from the likes of an 'older! Absolutely! Yes, "Macedonia is Greek", it is certainly one of ours. I smelt it instantly, out of the hundreds of capitalist advertisements and lying commercials with or without a surface. Call immediately to "Macedonia is Greek" and ask them how long it will take them to change our broken boiler.It lived long enough, it was worth the money! We received too many complaints because of it, we are risking to lose our license because of it. It has worked enough for the hostel, it washed enough dirty butts.That's it, it is her time to retire, poor her, to go on the scrap heap. Farewell!

IONAS: So: "Macedonia is Greek"? ... Are you sure?

BABIS: Undoubtedly. Remember that! Yes ! (Welcoming mechanicly.) Macedonia always was Greece and Greece was always Macedonia. Only some people who know how to love us and respect us, us and our millennia history, were able to put this very appropriate name... Po-po-po-po-po! Call our brothers, what are you waiting for?

Scene 3

(BABIS, IONAS)

BABIS: What do you think my funny brother-in-law said to Vasilis, to Vasilis my nephew, on his dying bed?

IONAS:?

BABIS: I bet that  it doesn't even cross your blond head, not even to the extent that  lost bullet passed through my head- Size 7.62 - which knocked me down and put me on the sidelines, because of it  I got as a present this engraved silver plate from the Army. He said: "Listen to me, you snotty, my son, you fragile thing: in these rotten walls there is a  great treasure hidden, blahblah, blahblah, pure gold, 99.99%, with which you can get rid of half of the scoundrels in Athens. You have the common sense and do not ask me where I got it from or I will smack you, in a jiffy, with this heavy crutch made out of nut wood, on its last legs and dying as you see me, it's important that I have it ... Yes, yes, I have it, agori mou, and if I do, it's possible for you to have it as well, you just need some patience,some handiness ... If you know how to listen properly to the walls of this wreck , one day, you will find it eventually and you won't care about anybody when you do. That's it, I am in a rush! And now that I have settled my bargains with life, let us drink. Allow me to empty a vase of flowers full of Ouzo!" shouted the old Vasilis, adding thirsty:" I love the Republic, Long live the monarchy", but until I got back running from the bar, he took his last breath, poor him... Deh, quickened-quickened, he went , because he was a Balkan, as he was actually all his life. I did not even get to put the candle in his hand as Christians do, his hand was already clamped ... I still  have an unforgettable memory of him: he was a superb and rough villain, but at the same time great and shitty.

IONAS: ...Did Kir Vasilis put his hands on the treasure?

BABIS: He did not, lad. Be solemn! You, the ones with milk in your beard want to get results from the first time... Vasilis my nephew thought in the beginning, as you are in fact now that all that glitters is gold and that he has luck, so without waiting for his father's funeral to finish he started to knock all the walls of the house, knock-knock, with his thin fingers that I thought in the first phase, that the kid was going crazy ... Six months non-stop lasted his grim search until he figured out that his dad spoke figuratively, metaphorically that is. Poet-poet. We Greeks, we are definitely (even though we are not initially , we do not figure out things) the descendants of Homer, never of Chômeur ... Po-po-po-po-po! The walls of this hostel hide a lot of gold, if you know how to manage it ... Got it?

IONAS: So so.

BABIS: All of your kind dreams and chases the wild goose, instead of going to work. That was the same with my nephew Vasilis, but thank heaven that in the end he got the right way. Meanwhile he followed his interest and came to be the President KKE[1]  of Tykotos and he is part of PAME[2] even a  sympathizer of ADEDY[3]. He put, listening to my disinterested advice of course, six little beds in each room and subscribed his hostel to the International Youth Hostel from where he gets a nice subvention to accommodate students from around the world ... and now he even can afford to have not one but two mistresses, one of which is vain, from Paris, who regularly sucks money from him, and the other one, whom you know and to who he gives just some scraps whenever he remembers her, is one of ours, one with a big nose... Good mare, the French one, you would do anything for her only that she does not feel that it is her time to wipe baby bottoms...

IONAS: Are you talking by any chance about mademoiselle Dominique?

BABIS: No, about my mother, who else? Ti-ha! How do you know her name? Vasilis never brought her here, at the Trojan Horse. Every season when she comes, he keeps her hidden from the eyes of the world, he only takes her to the Athens hotel or Continental, only five stars ones... Po-po-po-po-po! Have you been eavesdropping, you good for nothing?

IONAS: It was, no need. She called at reception two weeks ago, to ask for Kir Vasilis who had just gone with Kristina holding her arm, for three days, at his olive plantation in Aegina.

BABIS: The whore is still a whore, regardless of nation, I am not saying that one is more honest than the other... She must have felt something that she humiliated herself and called at our reception... Does Vasilis, know?

IONAS: Of course he does. Even if I forgot to tell him he has enough ears around here.

BABIS: Yeah, there is nothing to blame. The insolent one gets it all! To make love with two or nine women at the same time, if of course you have the virility and the money, it is not illegal and does not get you fat, at the most it strengthens your ass. Sport, sport. Movement, hanky panky, this is what the doctors recommend... I hope you did not tell him anything about the black one with big lips.

IONAS: It was not necessary. At least, that is something I know how to handle.

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Hurry up, there is someone who is in a rush that is calling at the reception! If it is the drunkard of Napoleonis I am not here. I'm allergic to his tantrums. I have never met before in my life a much perfect parrot than he is.

Scene 4

(DINA, BABIS, IONAS)

BABIS: Hey, hey, hey! Where do you think you are sneaking, you hag? Do you think there are no rules here?

DINA (in alert): I do not have money! What time is it? I am in trouble!I have to get ,urgently and immediately, after the morning meal, until the elders from the Asylum "Tired Angels" do not start to wander,or else I worked for nothing all week long...

BABIS: You and work, ha! Since when begging is considered here work? Perhaps back at home with your Turks. Here with us, it is not ... Nothing is the dilemma.

DINA (in alert): I do not have money! What time is it, I asked!

BABIS: Get out of your state! Easy! The first minibus comes just over an hour, if it comes. You are not planning on freezing at the bus stop, and turn white as a ghost at the bus stop, you Dina. Stay, damn it, on this sofa but without your bags filled with shit. Leave them slowly, near the entrance, for them not to fall. That's it, that's it. Calm. Not even the Pekingese dog, Rozi, won't touch them, your smelly bags. You turned your room into a real source of infection. (Saying fatherly.) Can I? Luckily those peasant maids open the windows to your room all the time, otherwise we would have received a lot of complaints from students so far. I thought you were a well-read woman. You have been through so many theaters, you had to do with so many distinguished people smelling of expensive perfume: conductors, composers, master choreographers, tenors, managers, directors... You even dealt with Ursinschi, everything has a limit. Stop it! You, however, have an age!

DINA (snappy): You have to understand once and for all that I do not have money! I do not have money! IF I don't, I don't! Do you not think that I understand where you are heading with this, colonel, and still I try to listen to you, that's because I am a notorious believer ... Am I listening?I am listening! What time is it?

BABIS: Carpe diem!

DINA (exasperated): Stop it with these slum swearings! I am in trouble, I am in trouble! What time is it, you good for nothing? I thought you had a silver plate attached to your head, not to your eardrums.

BABIS: And I, you little swan, I thought that you didn't get crippled from your last show, when you got your heel twisted  in a hole from the scene, you plucked swan.

DINA: Ahhh! You pig! Groh! Groh!

Embarrassing moment brutally interrupted by the sound of an unannounced drill hammer that is being tested. Characteristic flicker of Chinese lamps.

IONAS: The workers from Macedonia is Greek are superqualified, boss. They empty everything. They came from five o'clock, with the latest and best equipment. In one hour they  had carried everything in the basement. Tools of thousands of euros, I am not joking.They do not let anyone touch them.

BABIS: It is a serious company. What did I say! They will solve our problems. I think we are going to remember them. Give them on my behalf, a tea with chili! Alcohol, for now not! Bring a tea to Dina as well!

DINA: A Coffee!

BABIS: A tea!

DINA: Tea is for the faint-hearted. Bring me a coffee for my eyes to glow! An improved coffee with fifty ml of Metaxa! If you want 100 ml, then 100 ml it is! You know I do not like to contradict you at all.

Scene 5

(DINA, BABIS)

BABIS: Tell me, why  aren't you an understandable woman? Po-po-po-po-po! Why aren't you a committee woman? Why do you want to rob my little grandson, Vasilis? He  loved me so much until now - I can not leave him like a nitwit, especially now that things are starting to go so well for him, so well that I feel I should put myself down ... Why do you want to bite the hand that fed you? Why do you take advantage of the fact that he is so busy with his life? This cannot be, madam, this cannot continue. You understand, right?! Any drink, as little as it is,has to be paid. That is the essence of bloody capitalism madam. You have to understand that I cannot call you partner in grief out of two reasons: I am a little bourgeois.

DINA: You have to understand now and once and for all that I do not have money! I do not have money! If I do not, I do not, Colonel! Believe me!

BABIS: Swear!

DINA: Shit. I swear! If I knew a little bit of Russian, I would have become a librarian at Harvard.

BABIS: Not like this. Breathe the air in your chest. Swear on your fucking soul! Swear on your false icons that you show to everybody!

DINA: Lets leave it like that or else it will start to quack. Now ... I really am in trouble!

BABIS: So you do have money?!I have expectations from an intellectual high-life like you. Honesty, fairness, personal example, self-denial, dedication.

DINA: Don't you want sword lilies? Stop confusing me. Here we are not in the army, sir Slogan.

BABIS: I know we are at the Trojan Horse. Do you have money or not?

DINA: I have, I mean I do not have. Do not force me to be too honest, I might have migraines immediately after.

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Pay at least half or else you must leave the room immediately! And as it is, students complain that they have nowhere to smoke and that it smells all over of incense.

DINA: Let them protest out in the street, let them feel the pulse ... It is good that they have where to fuck. For this they find enough space: on the stairs, in bathrooms, the elevator, on tables, the storage room, the fire escape, behind doors. Anywhere else, but not in beds ... Only seed scattered everywhere, even on chandeliers, as if the devil would have driven them from behind. All night long only gasps and moans, moans and gasps, that I can not fall asleep. That's why I have wrinkles as big as the Suez Canal, at my fragile age. Let them go out on the terrace to cool. Let them put their hands on a book ... Do I have a choice? ... I don't, do I?

BABIS: Dina! What does € 50 mean for you? A trifle.

DINA: Small change, no small change, you know that no matter how much I save, it isn't  my money, but a loan. I swear.Okay I will pay. Half only.

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! When? When?

DINA: Do not push me. If I said I will pay, then I pay. Dina Ballerina did not owe a cent to anybody not even a used toothpick. Today no, it's Sunday, loan shark. Believe me. I have other plans with it today, other calculations ... tomorrow maybe. For sure, the day after tomorrow. It's a holiday celebration, and when it is a feast, people are more generous, even single men. Ionas is witness ... Wait! I pay! ... I am really in serious trouble! What time is it, Ionas?

Scene 6

(Theologos, IONAS)

The strident voice of Theologos: Ionaaas! Allodapon[4] Ionaaas! Paper check! (Repeated knockings at the old table gate.) Open the back door! Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Allodapon!

 

            It is heard the scrape from the opening of the sliding gate and the awkward noise of a moped with a broken exhaust pipe.

THEOLOGos: Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Move your ass faster because I am in a hurry. I'm late to the crisis bouzouki organized by Napoleonis. Listen to that idea of him, instead of breaking plates at the end, we should throw disposable handkerchiefs... and that while all those foreigners, all those ladies who are in heat, record, dear them... How we know to make fun of ourselves with such a sublime greatness... Mana mou, mou ​​mana! How we mock our sacred traditions! We are reaching the bottom... What is this limp pillow doing here?Aha!Do not tell me you  were sleeping? Were you sleeping?!

IONAS: Do you want me to lie? Do you want me to tell you that I was playing stupid games?

THEOLOGos: Mounopano! What's with this mess, malaka? Do you know I can send you to jail? Why do you not have the files ready?

IONAS: Believe me,  Mr.Theologos, last night, at one, an unannounced group of 60 freaked out Japanese stormed in, none of which had any idea of English. All of them did not know a thing... I just finished to check-in, I did not even have the time to breathe.

THEOLOGos: Gamata! I do not care, this aspect doesn't interest me. I told you so many times to sort them by colours: white for Jews, red for Arabs and blue for Albanians. Simple, you idiot. Other colors do not really interest me nor inspire me, for now. These colours in the first place. "Monkeys", "elephants" and "ferrets ", for now, I repeat to you, do not interest me, nor me personally or the Tourist Police generally, you know ... If you want to get the green card, do your job properly, boy. You're lucky that the senile of BABIS is my friend, otherwise I wouldn't have closed my eyes for an immigrant who works on the black market, although he hasn't got legally this right... Always when an immigrant works on the black market, two of ours are left with no job! ... Apateonas! Pusti! Na pas na gamitheis!

IONAS:I  try to handle the situation, but I am only one person. Not even if my mother would have given  birth to me as an octopus, I do not think I would have done better than that. With this continuous influx of students there should be at least three people at reception, at least two per shift.

THEOLOGIA: Look at him, you bastard! You do not make the rules in this country, allodapon. Malaka! Listen to him, three per shift! "If in a country the milk of the poor babies is drank by the dogs of the bourgeois in that country you cannot ever speak of justice", that's what the deceased Kaddafi said. Nobody quacked  before him. Great man, great character. It's a pity they shot him in the back and  as well as in the front being so young; he did not even turned 70 ... Don't you want also for Vasilis to give you a girlfriend with a lopsided mouth and an artificial carnation in her hair to each of you in order for you not to get bored? Ha, ha! Let me tell you a good one. You know why not even a single woman can write the tragedy of what we are going through?

IONAS: Why Mr. Theologos?

THEOLOGos: Because she doesn't have the balls! Ha-ha! That's why!

IONAS:  Should I laugh?

THEOLOGos: Malaka! Did you figure out, finally, which is your story? It is not possible for you not to remember anything from your past. When you remember something, let me know. Only then we will analyze it  thoroughly in a board, if you are or not entitled to get the green card ... Be careful at what you do and how you move! Do you not think that I  know what you are doing with room 3? Malaka!

IONAS:!

THEOLOGos: Don't you know that you rent it by hour to the pack rats from the harbour, to do hanky panky? Do you want me to get rid of you? That's not a problem. I'm watching you, allodapon! Mana mou! Mana mou!

Scene 7

(IONAS, NADEJDA)

NADEJDA: Did she come? Did she pass by on here?

IONAS: Who has, NADEJDA?

NADEJDA: What do you mean who? That bitch who is always aroused, who became insolent, who I raised like a daughter!

IONAS: ... Ohh,the bitch! Kristina took her ​​to Aegina. She said she can't live for that long  without her, without stroking her curly fur.

NADEJDA: Bitch! Cunt! Isn't she ashamed after what  poor Vasilis did what he did for her. Now she is hanging out with women as well. She saw too many artistical movies on Friday nights ... Since she was little she liked to stare at the TV , long after midnight, immediately after I fell asleep dead tired on the sofa... With women? Shut up! ... Are you serious?

IONAS: With women as well as men,she is a true bitch. In fact, we have to agree that she is a little bitch ... very loveable and likeable. She has a skilful smell.

NADEJDA: Tell me about it? She feels the smell of leather wallet from two miles away,I know her for so long now ... only that I did not know that now she hangs out with women as well ... Do not kill me! ... Are you sure? It's not a joke, right?

IONAS: She even goes through the bushes after the high school teens who smoke there. I did not see her yet going after the snotty children from kindergarten. She goes only where it suits her, she always gets something between her teeth ... I admit, once she was with me as well.

NADEJDA: Are you sure? Raffish her. Greedy her. If someone complains, I am sure that the people from the Tourist Police will ban and expel her. Usually, sooner or later, I find out about all her escapades and try to fix what is there to fix... That's why,  about you and the children, she did not say anything ... Be careful, you're a young boy!There are all sorts of diseases nowadays!

IONAS: Only one time, I do not know what got into me. Usually, you know how much I hate her when she grabs me ... I gave her ​​a sausage, although I do not think she was allowed ... she was licking her snout so suggestive that I had to give in. She took it with one gulp.

NADEJDA: Shut up, you hateful, I do not  want to know anything about your sick fantasies.

IONAS: That was because she  behaved when I took her to the hairdresser. (I swear Kristina! She had obliged me!) She squeaked to stay in my room, but that would have meant too much time spent together, it would have  meant to get Kristina jealous, so that I gave her to others who were more reposed than I was, to deal with her thoroughly... to crippled Kostas, for example, to BABIS, to Napoleonis, even to Theologos.

NADEJDA: All at once?!

IONAS: Why not? It didn't seem to bother her at all. Her tail was very raised. She was in her element, she seemed so happy. She was slipping, gnarling through the legs of everybody licking their fingers as well.

NADEJDA: So vile ... on their behalf to accept such a thing from a poor thing. I think she was very drunk. I do not know which of her fathers she resembles. Every time she drinks something stronger she loses his temper.

IONAS: I could not put my hand on the hot iron, for this ... I only saw her drinking milk out of the baby bottle.

NADEJDA: Baby  Bottle? Oh my God! If Vasilis finds out, he will, for sure, kick her out from the Trojan Horse. And how many interventions, how many interventions ...

IONAS: What are you talking about?! Even he encourages her systematically to do it. Whenever he sees her sipping from a bottle, he strokes her fondly on the chest.

NADEJDA: On the chest? I thought he is a serious man.

IONAS: And what, serious people do not...

NADEJDA: Shut up!The world has turned upside down! Everyone went crazy, everyone!... What do you mean, Vasilis as well? The bitch tried to hook up with him as well?

IONAS: Especially with him, but if I think better more him with her... At Aegina, I heard, during chilly nights, all three of them sleep in the same bed: Kristina, Vasilis and in the middle Rozi.

NADEJDA: Which Rozi?

IONAS: Well who are we talking about? About Rozi, Kristina's Pekingese! Are we not talking about this Nadejda?!

NADEJDA: !!!

IONAS: ...are we not talking about this?

STAGE 8

(BABIS, IONAS, DINA)

IONAS: Nadejda was here, she looked very screwed up, she was looking for the maid, the bitch of her daughter ... This is the list of signatures, this is the money. I counted it, everything is there. Five thousand euros, sharp.

BABIS: Ah, the Bulgarian?! Has the maid disappeared again?Tell the Bulgarian that no matter what Vasilis says that I  will kick her out, that I already kicked her out. (Counting the pile of money with dexterity.) Yes, yes, everything seems right, perhaps it even is right, although I doubt that... All inmates, all those rags try to trick me. All of them want me to bring them olives and extra virgin olive oil from Vasilis' orchard from Aegina, at half price. Half price these times? Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! It is clear. They got used, those codgers to get in a cue only when it comes to bargains. Try to put them to gather the rubbish from parks, they won't! ... Did you get some of the money for yourself? It doesn't matter, you must have got some for yourself as well, I know you... Do I know you?

IONAS: When will you deliver the merchandise?

BABIS: Which merchandise?

IONAS: Extra virgin oil, the olives ...

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! You know very well that this year's harvest is totally compromised. I will sort it out somehow with those senile old timers ... Why are you interested in?!

IONAS: In case they come and ask at reception, in case they come and hit their canes against the windows, in case they call reception, for me to know what to tell them.

BABIS: This doesn't concern you. Give them gently, my phone number.

IONAS: This phone number? But the card is expired. Should I give them your new phone number?

BABIS: God-forbid! That doesn't concern you, I'm telling you ... Tell me, do you watch the horse racings from the speedway in Athens? Do you watch them?

IONAS: Somewhat.

BABIS: What's that "somewhat"? Po-po-po-po-po! Do you watch them or not?

IONAS: Sometimes when I have time.

BABIS: Tell me which one looks more virile: Theseu or Agamemnon?

IONAS: None,they are both mentally gone, even if in the last racings they did their best. But it's only temporary, their last shot, they have accumulated weariness ...Did you ever watch closely Milky Way ?...She comes very fast from the last place ... Have you ever watched how she handles the racing on the Romanian Song? What about Nadja?

BABIS: Oh please! I only bet on our horses, Ionas, although lately I screwed up with them, but it happens to others as well ... I hope it's something temporary. It has to be something temporary, otherwise I will not know how to get out of this situation. All the money from the safe I have invested it in  racing ... Pusti! Pusti! We are full of debts as a toilet filled with paper. If Vasilis found out, I would ... I can tell you. We are (of course you have noticed, you should have noticed!) in a total bankrupcy and, if somehow a miracle doesn't happen, some solution to fall from the sky, we are going straight to hell. Otherwise we won't pull it together ... Yes, yes, I am talking about the non-refundable loan which was promised to us by the big wigs from Let's Go Europe.Their experts should come as we speak, to evaluate the exact situation from here. We all need to be careful for them not to catch us in offside otherwise we are screwed permanently. These walls do not hide any gold 99.99% but shit ... Shit! Shit! The Trojan Horse never really went  on profit. We, Greeks, apart from Onassis, we were never good at handling our own business. All my big pension, which the military sends regularly to me every month, I bury it, like an idiot, in these walls. Water, electricity, taxes ...

DINA (triumphant): I came to pay you, you scrooge!

BABIS: I do not have time. I have to go immediately, today, to Athens. I have to follow the bets ... I'm getting late ...

DINA: Oh,well! I came to pay you. You! You fucked me over. It's Tuesday and as we agreed, I came to give you those bloody 50 € for which you have pulled such a fight. And because I did so good today at begging, I will pay you also in advance for three months . I am a great lady, I am even Madam. Count it, in front of me!

BABIS: Dina, be reasonable. The ferry leaves in an hour!

DINA: Let it go! Count it! I came  here to pay you. (Puts on the desk a pretty heavy bag full of small change.) Count it, in front of me, otherwise you will see my bad face, so you know!

BABIS: Dinaaa! Understand me, I do not have time! Please give it to Ionas, I trust him completely.

DINA: What has Ionas to do with this? Do you get any gain out of this business, Ionas?

IONAS: No, of course not, Dina ...Can you imagine?!

DINA: Did you see? Count it, I said, you scrooge! Get tired counting it!

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po!

Scene 9

(BABIS, IONAS, Theologos)

            Through the wide opening which is linked to the reception, we see Ionas, turned back, gesturing nervously, talking at the same time at two landlines  and sharing accommodation coloured files and keys, many keys, to a large pile of flat and hungry hands ... Babble, voices in crescendo, the desperate sound of the bell, laughters mixed with high tones, silence.

BABIS: Did something happen, Ionas?

IONAS: What is there to happen? The usual!

           

Babble, voices in crescendo, the desperate sound of the bell, laughters mixed with high tones, silence. Scandal.

BABIS: Ionas? What do these pricks want, Ionas?

IONAS: What do you think they want? They say the rooms are too stacked.

BABIS: Fuck them! Tell them that here is a shit hostel for students, not Continental. A poor transit hostel. They want many things for 7 € per night for a bed, they want storage room, plus breakfast included.

IONAS: I told them, but they do not want to understand at all!

BABIS: And?!

IONAS: They would like to discuss with the owner of the Trojan Horse.

BABIS: Which owner? Aaah ... with Vasilis! Let me be! Where should I look for Vasilis at this hour? Who knows in which dead end he is now ...

            Ionas tries to discuss with the people in front of the reception. Useless. The scandal ignites. Keys are thrown everywhere.

BABIS: Ionaaas! What do they want now?

IONAS: Same problem, only now it's much more serious: they want their money back.

BABIS: Are they insane? What money? ... Have you called Theologos?

IONAS: Why call him?!

BABIS: Well, he represents the authority, he should solve the problem. Tell him to move his lazy ass right now, tell him that the imperialists have rebelled and told us to go to war!

IONAS: Well there is no problem, why call him? It has happened on other occasions. If they do not like it we give them the money back and that's it. Others will  come.

BABIS: There is always a problem when you have to give the money back to someone. What was taken is good taken. Call him, the fuck with this, call Theologos! (Long whistle of a signal accompanied by a scream.)

IONAS: He appeared already, out of instinct, I think, he was in the area.

THEOLOGos: Hey, bloody hell! What is this, nigga club? (Laughters and shouts. Pejorative applause. Whisperings. Whistles.) Yes, yes, why are you giggling? I am not Maradona, I'm Bella Donna! You fags!

BABIS: Do not waste your time, dear friend, Mediterranean Savior! Mounopano! These modern savages do not understand a thing from what you say.

THEOLOGos: How can they not understand? Greek is just one of the oldest and one of the greatest languages ​​on earth.

BABIS: That is why it is unrecognizable to their lingo, that's why they are not to die for it ... Mana mou! Mana mou! That's why.

 

            It is heard a loud and collective "We are Citizens of USA! USA! USA !!!". Noise of broken glass. They are throwing an abundant quantity of unfolded rolls of toilet paper, which fly everywhere.

BABIS: We are fucked with these troublemakers. They are not so easily to be fooled too. What do they say, Ionas?

IONAS: They say they are American citizens. They say they have all the rights in the world.

BABIS: I do not give a shit on their citizenship and rights. Tell them, why are you fussing about?

THEOLOGos (is getting agitated while he is heavily perched on the counter): Shut up, everyone! Have no worries, we will solve this fucked up problem immediately ... What's the problem? Problem? No problem! (Shouts of "Yes! Yes!" Laughters. Theologos lifts steady over his head  the huge  badge that says "Tourist Police" sweet moment of silence) Iu, Americans? Trojan Horse Hotel no gud? (Shoutings: "Reception! Reception!") Daxi, ochi! Lisint, americans! No problem! Trojan Horse is not gud for iu?! (shoutings: “No! No!”) Okei, okei! Iu gou tu American Ambasi... American Ambasi e big hotel, American Embasi e gud hotel for iu... Iu numi ambasi, daxi? ...Aut! Aut! Aut!

Scene 10

(DINA, BABIS, IONAS, Theologos, Bulgarian)

DINA: Bloody hell! What  sort of party, you brethren, had on here! The horde who just got out of here was about to eat me.

BABIS: Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!

           

Chanting echoes are getting lost in distance, something like: "God Bless America! Trojan Horse is shit! Trojan Horse is shit! "

BABIS (worked out): Apateonas, apateonas! Vasilis, Vasilis! Malaka! Ooooo! Just look at her! The flower appeared! The cherry from the top of the cake! Mana mou, mana mou! You were the only one missing from here, you hag, for all the pieces to be together ... “Min alazis kathe mera krajion, giati mu xeis kani ton poutso uranio toxo!”[5] Your hat is turning me on completely, Dina, Dina ... Is it from the first world war?

DINA: What time is it, you brethren? Ha!You have some big teeth, sir Theologos. Yesterday you were toothless and today you have the teeth of a horse.

THEOLOGos: They are not mine, they are my mother's-in-law. Extreme measure. I borrowed them for diction, for stateliness.

DINA: Poor her,what is she doing without them?

THEOLOGos: Well, I think. In fact, I think she has not even noticed their disappearance. She does not use them when she sleeps.

DINA: Is she sleeping during the day as well?

THEOLOGos: All the time. It's so much silence when she sleeps. Even too much silence, if I think better.

DINA: What a happy woman. I can not sleep even at night. All the time I hear only gasps and moans, moans and gasps. Last night I heard even some quackings ...

THEOLOGos: Envy her, envy her! When you will be her age you will relax completely and you will sleep all the time like her as well, you Dina ... 24 out of 24.

DINA (naif) :I did not understand what did you mean with when I will get like her?

THEOLOGos: Stiff, meaning icy. I am going to give drinks to everybody. I am happy, tomorrow we will have her lovely seven years anniversary. (Grotesque laughters.)

DINA: You shit head!

THEOLOGos (turning to Ionas who is collecting quietly the rubbish left after the conflict) I did not think it will be so hard ... Shit head, no shit head, at least I am still alive. Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po! I'm still alive, right? Get your ass to the bar and bring us something strong to drink, allodapon!

BABIS: Bring me also a rum. A double one.

DINA: Also a Metaxa for me. And a plate of Kalamata oliveson the side. I did not eat since this morning, not even a... (Laughters even more grotesque on the behalf of Theologos.)

NADEJDA: Have you seen my daughter? Have you seen my daughter?

BABIS: The maid, sorry, the former maid? TT! Who knows on where the tramp is getting fucked!

THEOLOGos: Leave her, she will come back, Bulgarian, with her dull tail between her legs, after she will be no longer in heat. She did not  find yet the idiot to propose to her ... Sit down ,here, on a chair, get your ass on something stiff.

NADEJDA: Not even you, Ionas,have seen her?

IONAS: Since the day before yesterday, no. I give you my word. Stay calm, she will come back. This is not the first or the last time when she is doing this.

BABIS: Brethren, today's a big celebration ...

DINA: Celebration, what celebration? In my calendar it does not say anything about this pagan celebration of yours ... Where did you get that from?

BABIS: Ionas, spread a new sheet on Vasilis' desk and call the barrel of Napoleonis to get  us something to drink. We should celebrate. I pay the wine, the food is your job.

NADEJDA: If it is a party let there be a party. What are we celebrating? What are you celebrating?

THEOLOGos: Right, Babis, what are we celebrating!

DINA :???

BABIS: We have to write down this new celebration with the chemical pencil on the calendar. Do you realize? A very important celebration, perhaps the most colossal one for all of us: "The day in which we said  for forever, NO!"

IONAS: To who?

BABIS: To ourselves, of course! Do you have any doubt?

            Terrible noises of pneumatic drills, electric grinders and drills of high power are heard powerfully from the basement and overwhelm the room , that you might think, after the shakings of the furniture, that a strong earthquake is unfolding.

BABIS (theatrical, trying to cover the pandemonium): Let us toast piously for Macedonia is Greek! Well because, at least, someone is still working knowingly in this country!




                                                                      

A C T   II

Scene 1

(BABIS, IONAS, DINA, NADEJDA, Theologos)

 

            The noises from the basement tend to become hellish. All the participants to the scene are wearing improvised dust masks and protection helmets. From the ceiling, just like after a real bombardment, are flowing streams of paint.

IONAS: Boss! They have figured out what to do with that big old lady. She stopped breathing. The job is almost done. They still have to dig some holes in the brick wall from the back, to fix the angle iron and that's it ... Now they are all struggling to get out that wrecked whale, with the crowbars and pulleys, out in the yard.

           

Annoying metal scrapes, gnashing fragmented noises of heigh-hos . Commands.

DINA: Finally! What time is it? They were about to sprain my brain with their modern noise tools. Are we going to rest after doing nothing, and meditate about the holy things. The moment deserves to be immortalized. After they clean the place I  will go and throw holy water with a bundle of basil in order to cast away the demons that were there in a warm place, there must be at least a legion ...

BABIS: What did I tell you! Po-po-po-po-po! Serious company, no joke! If they promised that they will get things done,then they got things done. Two or three days more and they finish with everything. Ionas bring another cup of tea more to those poor sweat fucks,let them clean their throats! Alcohol, no, so that they won't do stupid things! Tell them to take care not to graze the marble steps if they want to see another cent from me and tell them to clean the place very well,so that they won't leave anything behind that belongs to the glorious past.

NADEJDA: Have you seen, my daughter? Have you seen, somehow, my daughter?

BABIS: Not Again?! Which daughter? ... Give me a break!

DINA: Did the maid come?

BABIS: And what about it, Bulgarian, do you think I am the meter of your daughter's ass? Ionas,tell everybody, how are things with the maid? Isn't it something related to room 3?

IONAS: No such thing! It's not my problem! Did you forget that you sealed it, so that there won't be any discussions ... It's the third day since I last saw her, boss.

BABIS: Me also since then. However, I have to admit: a day without that mean person is like a day of honeymoon spent in Haiti ... Every time she started to get aroused she went missing at least a day,maximum two days. Po-po-po-po-po! Psoli! Psoli! Are there already three days?

IONAS: Last time I saw her at the bar arguing with one of former lover, an Armenian of two meters who also had some terrible hands, big as the Stahanov shovels which were called Stalin's heart. You should have seen the little one, how she turned and twisted him on all sides like a rag which you use to clean the dust with and how she humiliated him ... and the lazy ass stood like a blunderhead and didn't say a thing, mute him.

BABIS: The quiet ones fuck the world from behind, you boy! Same as Vasilis! That is what we will do with this whore of Europe , who keeps trying to woo us,we are going to fuck her and then  when she will feel good,  she will give us food and drink.

THEOLOGos (entering like a tornado): Babiiis! My friend! Mounopanuuu!

BABIS: Theologos,my dear,only ones like you suceed to make someone like me to really appreciate silence.

THEOLOGos: I wouldn't say so. I need to ...

BABIS: Everyone should be in this world, but why precisely you? Why don't the both of us go somewhere where each of us can be on its own?

THEOLOGos: See, you old man, that's why I appreciate you: you know how to swear at me so delicately, like the hit of a goods train loaded with bromide.

BABIS: Napas na gamitheis! You know that I do not try that hard, although I do it with all my portal vein, my livers and my guts ... So what if I do not have the ranks on my shoulder,do you not know to knock at the door?

THEOLOGos: In this noise, I would have risked to get unnecessary blisters to my hand. BABIS, my friend, I have an information to give you that will leave you speechless.

BABIS: Shut up,you cop! I've known you for a lifetime, since the time when we used to get the goats to graze ... why do you think that now you will suceed to surprise me?

THEOLOGos: Because I have found out that those from Let's Go Europe are already on the island, they set foot on shore with the ferry from 12 o'clock ...

BABIS:!!!

THEOLOGos: Good one, right? Within 10 minutes they will be already here, at the Trojan Horse, for that unannounced check on which the fate of our grandson Vasilis depends on, the fate of Trojan Horse, of this dump.

BABIS: Mana mou, mana mou! O-o-o-o-o-o! Po-po-po-po-po! Out, everybody out! If they catch any glimpse of foreigners in this hotel, except for official employees and the students who are staying here, they won't give us anymore that non-refundable loan. This is the first and and the most important of the stipulations. I am fucked! Get out! Outttt! No! Nobody is leaving! No one! You risk to face them right on the steps!

The OTHERS: And then what shall we do, uncle BABIS?

BABIS: I have a plan. You will be the welcoming committee ... the burgeois of Tycotos. Did you understand?

The OTHERS:! !!!

BABIS: "We will hang the capitalists with the ropes that we bought from them" - Joseph's saying ...

The OTHERS: Which Joseph?

BABIS: Stalin, of course. The father of authentic and original democracy actually  the one who perfected it by fully canceling it.The purifier. Change your  rags with Vasilis' fancy clothes  from the warderobe in the hallway! March, recruits!

Scene 2

(BABIS)

  Left alone in the office, BABIS quickly turns upside down the  portraits of the communism "saints" on the back of  which there are the faces of the current European leaders.The posters  with Olimpiakos Piraeus are also turned revealing idyllic images with bare cliffs and crashing waves. The Baroque frame that dominates from above the opening which communicates with the reception is also finally turned. Instead of the sign with"We do not welcome Bulgarians, Romanians and dogs" appears the suggestive "All for one and one for all!"

Scene 3

(BABIS, IONAS, DINA, NADEJDA, Theologos)

 

  All, except for BABIS, are standing in a line, equipped with tuxedos, fancy scarves and tail-coats of the eccentric Vasilis... They have  kept yet, preventive the protection helmets.They analyze carefully and in silence, any suspect noise coming from outside.

BABIS: Squad, listen to my order! What are we doing here it is called in the military specialized language: diversion. Repeat!

OTHERS: Di-ver-sion!

DINA: What time is it? What time is it?

NADEJDA: Two hours have passed already!

DINA: ...Captain how much longer are we supposed to stand here like idiots, because when it comes to me, I am a little tired of this foolery with  Let's Go Europe?

BABIS: Shut up, you hypocrites! In which capitalist  hiding places lies your spirit of sacrifice?

NADEJDA (whispering): The old man got the madness caused by the bullet, again. He got insane again ... and when he gets insane he doesn't like to be contradicted. You know very well that it lasts only half an hour after which he doesn't remember a thing. Just act like you didn't hear anything, Dina.

BABIS: Soldier, do not move in the front or I will put you in jail!

DINA: You will put your mother, you senile!

BABIS: Did you say anything? Get down! Shun! Get down! Shun!

DINA: You command, you fulfil! From now on we're even. I have paid my debt. Let that be clear to you!

BABIS: Is that it? Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! The Martial Court will eat you, you untrained soldier! The Generals from Let's Go Europe should be here anytime by now, in inspection, let them announce us if they will make peace with us or not. I do not want to hear a thing! (It is heard though, the sound of a disobedient fly.)

THEOLOGos (shyly raising two fingers): BABIS, I can not stay any longer... Captain! You know that I have problems with my bladder. I have to go to do a little pee!

BABIS: What ,do you want to do, soldier? Pee-pee? What's that?

NADEJDA: He wants to release the urine through peeing,that's what he wants to do ... What, can you no longer hear, you deaf?

BABIS: Aha! Soldier Theologos, go to the toilet, singing, march!

THEOLOGos: Thank you, that's not necessary anymore! It took care by it's own. (Uncensored laughters from the "Squad".)

BABIS: If anyone else moves in the front, I will put you all to jail!Get down! Shun! Get down! Shun!Front-rank Ionas, put all these disobedients to jail.

IONAS: What shall I do with me?

BABIS: Put yourself as well!

IONAS: Allow me to report! I understood that I have to put them, I understood that I have to put myself, I did not understand where!

BABIS: How so front-rank? In jail! In jail !

IONAS: Where is this jail, Captain?

THEOLOGOS, DINA, NADEJDA: Well done, Ionas. We didn't think about that. That's right, where is this jail, you smart ass?

BABIS: What do you mean where? In room number 3, there is the jail, that is where all who disobey my orders must be taken there, everyone who does not keep the discipline in the bivouac!

NADEJDA: Good, but room 3 has been sealed for three days now and you have the keys, did you not say it yourself, Babis?

BABIS: Colonel Babis!

IONAS: Captain, Colonel, marshal Babis, please give me the keys to the jail!

BABIS: What jail? At the Trojan Horse there is no jail.

IONAS: To the room number 3. The one with the bars. The jail.

BABIS: No one gets in there, no one gets in there without my express order, in room number 3 ... I will pardon you ... Room number 3 has yet another destination, it is reserved for traitors .... Stand at ease!

THEOLOGos: Babis, I have just received a message from the boy who brings tourists from the port down town. False alarm. Sorry. It turned out that no inspector is coming from Let's Go Europe. There were just some Germans tourists well groomed, who came especially for " bunga-bunga," ... Some confusing imposters.

The Others: What do you mean " bunga-bunga"? Um... We really look like fools! We aren't playing anymore!

BABIS: Get un-dresseddd! Spread on sectors! (It is heard the whistle of a kettle forgotten on the stove.) Like this, like this! Wind jammer, blow the end of the alarm! Truce is postponed...

STAGE 4

(Theologos, IONAS)

THEOLOGos: Allodapon! Did you remember  where you come from, your country of origin?

IONAS: Yes, I think so, although I'm not sure.

THEOLOGos: Finally! Finally! Why do you move so slowly? Are you by any chance budgetary? Do you feel, by any chance budgetary? I'm listening to you very carefully and I am writting down everything, word by word.

IONAS: I'm from... Papua.

THEOLOGos: Ahaaa! This Papua is still found in the Balkans?!

IONAS: Yes, somewhere between Panama and Guatemala.

THEOLOGos: More specifically?

IONAS: Halfway between Hungary and Ukraine.

THEOLOGos: Yeah, yeah ...What postcode does it have? How did you migrate from there to here? Give me details! Details!

IONAS: By foot. A part of the road I have traveled jackassing.

THEOLOGos: Jackassing? What do you mean by jackassing?

IONAS: If I came on a horse it would have been called "riding".

THEOLOGos: Aha! (He writes down.) "The arrival by air is not confirmed." How long it took you, roughly?

IONAS: Four months minus two geese are about two weeks ... I think.

THEOLOGos: Aha! (He writes down.) So "fourteen days" ... You, the ones from Papua have schools over there?

IONAS: Of course.

THEOLOGos: And, how is school there?

IONAS: Before it was built out of adobe, but it wasn't too firm. Now it is built only from unburned brick.

THEOLOGos: Not that. I was refering to the method of study.

IONAS: Papua is a land of mountains. Pupils sit in crowds on a higher mountain and teachers, out of the deepest respect for their followers, in a precipice ... Students say "Uaaa! Uaaa! Uaaa "and teachers  make almost the impossible and respond with:" Oaaa! Oaaa! Oaaa "That's about it. Which pupil roars the best, gets a certificate directly tattooed on his forehead, which does not, becomes ​​instantly a teacher and is descended immediately in the precipice.

THEOLOGos: So a vocal Morse code! But, in that Papua from where you come, are there TVs?

IONAS: Yes, but unfortunately only in black and white so that we can see the rest of the world only in shades of gray and our Papua, which is so endearing of rich people, is only filled with colours and  scents.

THEOLOGos: So auto-manipulation ... Do you have electricity?

IONAS: In the classical way in which you understand electricity, no.

THEOLOGos: Phenomenal. And then how are your black and white TVs working?

IONAS: We have bikes with dynamo made ​​in Cuba, which we have obtained in exchange for building hydroelectric plants over there. We go on them with our head bowed and we pedal them until our eyes pop out, so the dynamo produces more  shame rather than electricity.

THEOLOGos: So manual shy electricity ... Does your TV show the great and huge Chuck Norris?

IONAS: Of course, together with his 11 brothers, but not so big and not so huge.

THEOLOGos: Warning! Here comes a trick question: and you, you, Papuan Ionas, when do you have the time to figure out who is the real Chuck Norris out of the 12, if you pedal with your head bowed all the time?

IONAS: Well, we are six siblings as well,I have just started to remember, we pedal on turns and one of us translates in Papuan all the time.

THEOLOGos: Yes, from my information it seems that you are more nationalists than we are. Am I wrong?

IONAS: Not at all, only that us, when we feel like we are starving and our stomach sticks to the spine, we become internationals.

THEOLOGos: And which is your national sport?

IONAS: Fastening the belt. We all give our last breath to get to the last hole.

THEOLOGos: And how do you figure out which is the last hole?

IONAS: When the undertakers do friendly signs with the shovels from the top to the bottom.

THEOLOGos: Finally, a minus! I saw you yesterday, speaking to Zişi in the same language and it seemed  that you two, were getting along perfectly. If I remember correctly, Zişi is a bit Hungarian or Romanian, certainly something in between.

IONAS: On this island he is absolutely nothing. He cannot afford it. He learned our Papuan language, listening to the migratory birds.

THEOLOGos: Napas na gamitis! The Papuan?!Ouch,ouch,ouch,ouch,ouch! I think that hit to your head was too strong ... I feel you are mocking me, although I have absolutely no evidence yet ... How come the ship that brought you to us did not get wrecked! Psoli! Psoli! I'm watching you, Ionas! Be careful! I'm watching you!

Scene 5

(BABIS, Theologos)

BABIS: Pour some more. You have everything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee.

THEOLOGos: Do not get me wrong, my friend: I cannot leave, I still have my trousers wet. The fabric is quite thick.I have to wait for it to dry.

BABIS: What does that have to do with me? What do you mean? Was I the one who got you wet?

THEOLOGos: Now you pretend like you do not know, that you forgot everything.

BABIS: Just because...

THEOLOGos: Listen to me Babis! Get rid of this suspect as long as you still can!

BABIS: Which suspect?

THEOLOGos: Get rid of this Gigi who knows it all, of Ionas. I think he is hiding you something, I think he is hiding from all of us, something.

BABIS: I won't believe until I will see it with my ears. Everyone has something to hide ... Do you not?!

THEOLOGos: Of course I also have some little things on there, like any other man ... But now it is not about me. Study him, look carefully at him, especially in the moments when he thinks no one is looking at him. He believes he is smarter than all of us in one place. He has some guts. The others know how to keep their heads down as soon as you shout at them, he doesn't ... No and no.

BABIS: But I have nothing to reproach him. Understand that. He does the work of three people combined.

THEOLOGos: That's it! When to an allodapon like him. you can not find that there is  anything wrong with him it means he is suspicious, very suspicious.

BABIS: Do not get me crazy about him not having legal papers again, that he has not got a work permit ... Only losers are correct, and I am not a fool nor a hacksaw. I'm not going to make him a work permit too soon, to pay taxes and  especially for someone like him. Like that, like that, pour some more, my friend. You have everything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee ... Retsina no, not today, not from now on ... I'm sorry, my friend, only once the goodfather looks '"under the skirt" of the goddaughter. You have finished it, last time, when you started to climb on the walls and shot the pigeons.

THEOLOGos (sings honorably out of tune): Tsipuro, Tsipuro! "So, goodbye my love until then! / Until the white rose of Athens will not flourish, / Until the goat kids will not climb again on the bare mountains, / Until the turtles won't cover their nest with crocodile tears, / Leave me alone, my love, leave me alone like a wrecked boat ... "

BABIS: "So goodbye my love until then! / Until the white rose of Athens will not flourish,/ Until the harsh dragnet will not tangle in my body/ Goodbye, goodbye... "You are dead drunk, Theologos ... You do not know how to drink like in the old times, when you used to drink barrels of beer in a second like a buffalo ...

THEOLOGos: How handsome you are, Babis, how handsome!

BABIS: Do not kiss kiss me on the mouth, do not kiss me on the mouth or I will slap you!

THEOLOgos: My handsome! That's why, I have listened to you all the time, that's why I've always helped you. My brother, my friend, my lo...

BABIS: You piss me off, you peeing drunk. Do not say things that tomorrow you might regret.

THEOLOGos: "So goodbye my love to until thennnnn! Goodbye, little bird!"

BABIS: I will hit you, I told you that I am going to hit you. What the hell, you have no dignity left in you?

THEOLOGos: Are you not  my best friend? Am I not your best friend?

BABIS: Of course, Theo, but everything has a limit. Be still, Theo. I will tell Ionas to call you a cab.

THEOLOGos: Talk to anyone you want, except Ionas." / Until the turtles won't cover their nest with crocodile tears,/ Leave me aloneee, my love, leave me aloneee like a wreckedddd boat..." I have to tell you something, pal. I am not the one you think I am, the one you know ...

BABIS: Neither do I am the one you think you know.

THEOLOGos: I'm in deep shit. Up to my neck!

BABIS: As well as I, only that the shit that surrounds me is of different colour... I am afraid to make waves... You know the maid, right?

THEOLOGos: Good pussy. Only when she moved her ass a little, every time she used her whisk in here, in Vasilis' office, my trousers got stiff... Psoli! Psoli!

BABIS: Mine too... Even though I have an age... Po-po-po-po-po! Oooooo! Bad time!Bad time!I do not know how I could... I am in a big and hardened shit... You must help me somehow, Theo!

THEOLOGos: It can be arranged, whatever it is, it can be arranged. Stop crying, you cloth soul . Let me tell you as well ...

BABIS: What?! You too?Who have you...?

THEOLOGos: What do you mean who? Myself... I am not called Dimitris.Do you understand?

BABIS: Of course, you were never called Dimitris but Theologos.

THEOLOGos: Aha, I just remembered, I am not even called Theologos.

BABIS: Give me the gun, you are dead drunk, you got very drunk. You were the one who showed me the papers,how you showed in fact to Napoleonis as well and in fact to everyone ... Your name is Theologos, in fact your name was Theologos all the time.

THEOLOGos: Wrong, very wrong. My mother was from somewhere in Transnistria and she was called not Maria but Maşa, and my father was a real man, meaning a real that kind of Russian man, Russian - brave Russian. The ferryboat got wrecked with them when they wanted to cross the Danube with their bundle of things, to get to the fair from Sofia... Only I, little me, escaped. I was lucky with an Armenian merchant who adopted me... Oooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!

BABIS: You bastard, how could you lie to me all these years.

THEOLOGos: With my defiled mouth, with this orphan mouth ... Na-na-na!

BABIS: Tell me your name at least, Theo. Which is your Christian name?

THEOLOGos: Volodea! From now on, you can call me Vovaaa ...

BABIS: You have everything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee ... Retsina we don't, not today, not from now on... Let's drink Vova and see what there is to do ...

BOTH: "So goodbye my love until then! / Until the white rose of Athens will not flourishhhhh..."

Scene 6

(IONAS, NADEJDA)

NADEJDA: Pheww! How does it stink like someone died in here with you? Open, brethren, a window!

IONAS: It's from the drainage. I think it's from when the ones from Macedonia is Greek got the boiler out from the basement, probably they drained the pipes ... otherwise I can not explain ... probably they forgot to put back some lid from the drainage. I will check tomorrow. I have already wasted some room sprays, but it didn't happen anything ... They have to finish the job tomorrow.

NADEJDA: No, this is not the smell of a channel. I have slept ten years in one, I know how it smells ... Brrr! It must be from some dead rat.

IONAS: Go away, Bulgarian, go... If Babis sees you again on here, he will get raged. And I am not so dear to him.

NADEJDA: Don't send me away,not you as well Ionas.You have to understand me! Let me rest a few hours on this sofa. I haven't closed one eye since my daughter disapeared.

IONAS: Which daughter?! Everyone knows how are things with you, stop fooling around. I  have never seen you filled of feelings like now, you are like a Polish sausage which is ready to explode... Let it be, you're not a very good actress at this hour. Let me be ... You might better say that your bank has disappeared, it has melt into thin air.

NADEJDA: Please! Look, I will give you all my old madame money, everything I earned today, everything that's left, just tell me where the maid is ... This beautiful girl was, is my luck. The best of the girls and she knew that. Too bad she was a bit picky and she only slept with whom she liked. She knows how to make men go really crazy about her and makes them climb on pillars because of that, not like me when I was young, ugly and stupid ... Now I am no longer young, now I'm just ... With the money I earn because of her I can assure myself a peaceful old age. In ten years I can buy one of the white little houses from around here, surrounded by brakes and stone fences perhaps even a tavern like the one of Napoleonis ... I know I'm selfish, I do not want to get as the decrepit of Dina, to beg all week and  to search through the garbage, and on Sundays to go to the bastards from the asylum and give them all my earned money saved for them, to buy meds .. .

IONAS: Go away, please, Nadejda. What did you drink?The Tourist Police can come at any time now.

NADEJDA: Stay with me, leave those files ...Look I would like to sleep for once at the Trojan Horse, at this filthy hostel, I do not have the strength to crawl up to the port.

IONAS: You know very well that locals are not allowed. A declared Bulgarian even so.

NADEJDA: And what, aren't Bulgarians people as well? I do not care about the opinions of this half brain one ... Here is, for now, heaven.

IONAS: This heaven is only for foreign students ... It costs you € 50 ... That's only because I know you ... Do you have it?

NADEJDA: I pay anything, but I won't move from here, my feet cannot take it anymore, these pillars ...

IONAS: Okay, I will give you room 3. Nobody entered in there for three days now, since BABIS, I do not know why, sealed it without any explanation and put the original keys in his pocket... I was afraid that he put some signs on there to catch me... Take care. You're lucky that I have cut ​​a  pair of keys only for me... for unpredictable situations... Do you want room 3? Do you want me to give you room 3?

NADEJDA: Room 3 is heaven.

IONAS: It has the toilet included, shower,a single high bed... only that at five am in the morning you have to go, make yourself invisible, or you will get me in trouble... This is the only inconvenient. This is the condition, do you understand?

NADEJDA: Do I have...

IONAS: There you go, the towels, the soap and toilet paper... Why haven't you gone yet? I told you that I  have work to do.

NADEJDA: I want to drink something strong. A Ouzo!

IONAS: At this hour, the bar is closed. You have everything you want in the fridge from room 3, only that for that you have to pay extra...

NADEJDA: Do not ask me to be a saint, I... I... But if you want money, I have enough for now ...

IONAS Go, go, Bulgarian! Early in the morning, at five! First  on the left, under the stairs. And another thing, do not turn the light on by any chance if you do not want to get me in trouble... Can you handle that?

NADEJDA: I am accustomed to darkness, worse than a cuttlefish... Stay with me, Ionas, come with me to room 3 to talk about Spielberg, leave those files...

IONAS: Why talk about Spielberg, do you think Spielberg would  want  to talk about us at this hour?

NADEJDA: I rather doubt it.

IONAS: Do you see?

NADEJDA: You are  the love of my life!

IONAS: Sure, it's a pity that we met so late.

NADEJDA: Do you believe in reincarnation, Ionas?

IONAS: We agreed not to talk about Spielberg.

NADEJDA: So, room 3?

IONAS: A better one, I do not have.

NADEJDA comes back, after approx. five minutes and seven seconds ...

NADEJDA (saying terribly slow): Ionaaas!

IONAS: Oh! Now what?

NADEJDA: It smells awful in the room ... It really stinks ... I'm convinced that there is a dead rat in the room.

IONAS: I do not have a different one. Are you afraid of rats?

NADEJDA: No. Can I, at least, open the windows?

IONAS: They are sealed with nails.

Scene 7

(BABIS, IONAS, Theologos)

BABIS: Are you still at reception, at this hour, Ionas?!

IONAS: Of course, there has to be someone always at the reception, uncle BABIS, to follow closely the troops movements; the enterings, the exits ... were you not the one who said that?

BABIS: Did I say that? When?

IONAS: Of course you have, every day.

BABIS: Forget about it! Go and rest, boy, because you are really tired! Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! You have some dark rings big as the tires of Formula One car ...

IONAS: I think it is from this stench that is everywhere. Precisely those from Macedonia is Greek forgot to put a lid on the drainage. I will go downstairs to the basement, I  will go to check.

BABIS: What stench? You have  hallucinations again.

IONAS :Not at all, others have complained as well ...It could  be a dead rat as well, blocked on the ventilation system, in any case something pretty big.

BABIS: What rat, you fool? (Breathes through the nose.) Here it smells of jasmine! Do you think I do not know how to make the difference?

IONAS: I have used four  room sprays attempting to cover the stench.

BABIS: You've done well. Here you go I will also give you some money to go and buy ten more. You go, and have a walk to the port as well... Do not hurry, take some money for one or two beers as well ... You need to clear up your head.

IONAS: I would like to,  only that a group of 30 grumpy Italians from Palermo will arrive at two o'clock ... It has already been confirmed ... Who will check them in?

BABIS: Leave it, I will check them in, do not worry ... You go and rest. You deserve a small break ... Go! Long live the beer!

IONAS: And who will come in my place?

BABIS: What do you mean who? Me. Nobody is irreplaceable. Who do you think was sitting here at the reception in your place, on this noisy chair, before Vasilis brought you at the Trojan Horse? Me, old Babis.

IONAS: Okay, but be careful not to fall asleep.

BABIS: What sleep? At my age? Do you think I'm up for sleep, tonight? Especially tonight? I will have to work all night on here, to put things right ... Did you not hear the van?

IONAS: Van?

BABIS: Yes, by this time Vova should have been here to play some cards ... A very long and exhausting game for two whimsical old men.

IONAS: Vova, which Vova!

BABIS: What a fool! Did I say "Vova"? I wanted to say "Theologos" and it went out on my mouth "Vova" ... Oooooh! Po-po-po-po-po!

IONAS: Theologos never came at the Trojan Horse with a van, where would he get a van? He only has a poor scooter tied with wires ...

BABIS: He borrowed it, only for tonight, from his brother-in-law... I  have decided to give him the old fridge from room 3. That's the stake ... It's too bulky and it consumes as seven others gathered ... His loss will relieve me of ...

IONAS: Oh well,  does Kir Vasilis know? It is on the inventory.

BABIS: He knows, or he doesn't, that is not your job ... However, to be honest until the end, my nephew, Vasilis, it's been a while since he last knew something about what happens in this building of his.

IONAS: I've heard talking about Kir Vasilis, but I've never seen him, although everybody told me, everybody confide me that he saved me ... Sometimes I think he doesn't even exist ... Is he real? Does he exist?

BABIS: Do you see this pink disk telephone from his desk?

IONAS: Does this antiquity really work?

BABIS: Of course, did you think it was here just for decoration? If you will ever hear it ring, leave everything and look for me. Only he knows this number. Now go ... Go ... I can handle it ...

THEOLOGOS'  STRIDENT VOICE: Ionaaas! Allodapon Ionaaas! The check of your papers! (Repeated knocking in the old tin gate.) Open the back door! Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Allodapon!

 

            It is heard the scrape from the opening of the sliding gate and the awkward noise of a moped with a broken exhaust pipe.

BABIS: What a fool! He woke up all the bitches! ... Do not hurry, I will open it. I'm coming, I'm coming, Vo ... Theo!

IONAS: The fridge is pretty heavy, if you  want I can help you to put it in the van. In three is, of course, much easier, especially if  before, we get out the grills and the glass shelves.

BABIS: You always want to get involved in things that do not concern you ... None of your business ... You go and sleep or go to the Bouzouki in port! Anything, do anything, but vanish at once, you illegal!

Scene 8

(BABIS, IONAS, Theologos)

BABIS: Finally, let us go to work! Take these gloves.

THEOLOGos: Calm down. It seems that we  will have a peaceful night, my friend ... even quieter than I thought. However, I assure you that I came up here for nothing: I have brought  one good news and one bad one.

BABIS: What are you babbling about? Where's the van ... Theo?  Have you not promised?

THEOLOGos: My brother-in-law Dimitris received  a last minute, an urgent order, to take some cakes to a wedding in a village to the other end of Tycotos. Just for tonight ... He didn't even want to discuss it with me, nor wanted to hear me ... Psoli! Psoli! Bad luck, pure bad luck. This was  the bad news, if you have not noticed yet ... We have to postpone, my friend.

BABIS: Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!

THEOLOGos: I have brought, however, and news ...

BABIS: What news? Let me be? Do not tell me again that ...

THEOLOGos: For now, I will not tell you anything until it is confirmed. I want to be sure.

BABIS: What does it need to be confirmed?

THEOLOGos: The good news, what else ... This time I will give it to you at the exact time, for me to be sure.

IONAS: I  have decided ... Can I go,now?

BABIS: Where the hell  do you want to go!

IONAS: To drink a beer in the port ... at Bouzouki ... I'll be back the latest, at five in the morning. I heard that every night Napoleonis organizes a competition. At the entrance, all who come there to the party get the belly measured by Napoleonis himself  with a tailoring metre ... Food and drink is plenty for everybody. Who has at dawn, according to new measurements, the most imposing belly is declared champion and does not pay anything ... all  the others pay triple.

BABIS: Ha, ha! What nonsense! Idiot! He went really crazy! Such a desperate! He is going down as well, otherwise, just like all of us ... Like I told you before , I've not known a much perfect parrot than he is in my life.

IONAS: What are you talking about, all lump in his tavern like they came to see a bear. And you know what's strange?Nobody  gets upset, even so,  everybody seem pleased. Not a single table is left unoccupied. I heard that  starting next week, everybody will enter only with reservations, especially that it is announced to come a famous band of instrumentalists from Athens ... Now, can I go?

BABIS: ...Why should you leave right now? The gang of  Italians has to turn up. Who do you want to check them in? Me? ... You are not going anywhere, you sly dog , or I will kick you out. No comments!

IONAS:!

THEOLOGos: Colonel, have those guys from Macedonia is Greek finished their job? When  are you opening? It's been two days now and whenever I came over here, I heard no noise, I saw no worker , not even one, not a single movement.

BABIS: Bloody hell! You're right, I did not noticed until now, fool me, it's  been so quiet for two days now ... how did I never realized. Have they finished? Give me that flashlight of yours, you phony ... to go to the basement and check it out ...

Scene 9

(BABIS, IONAS, DINA, NADEJDA, Theologos)

THEOLOGos: Did you remember? Malaka! Say it, you, have you remembered?

IONAS: I can not remember anything ... if you boss me around. I have to fill in the files.

THEOLOGos: Allodapon, allodapon! The scrooge, on top of everything, is sensitive as well. Your days, here, at  the Trojan Horse are as numbered... Babis is (finally!) and him  in with that. Not even Vasilis, Vasilis as he is, cannot save you ... Remember: in this country you have no rights without a work permit, not even to move a match.

DINA: Who spoke of Vasilis? Did Vasilis come? Did Vasilis finally come? I thought I heard his voice ... He did not come, right? He won't come over here too soon, right? I hear he's too busy to live his own life and no longer has time to handle the one of the others ... May that be so? When he will figure it out, I'm afraid it will be too late ... What time is it, Ionas? What bloody time is it?

THEOLOGos: Fuck you, you hag... Stop screaming! Phew! You pretend that you always want to know what time it is, when in fact you sneak in, to permanently eavesdrop. That's why they told you to leave on the back door at the Opera ... You mole!

DINA: You're a pig, Theologos! Grohhh! Grohhh! You farter!

THEOLOGos: There you go, culture! Apateomas! Apateonas!

IONAS: It's too early, Dina, too early, believe me! I will tell you. The bus which takes you to the "Tired Angels" comes only in three hours.

DINA: There's never too soon for a good deed, Ionas. Remember that.

IONAS : Go and lie down peacefully, aunt Dina. I will wake you up.

DINA: Thank you. I am afraid to be late. Those ill elders have put so much hope in me, in my appearances ... They would suffer terribly if I got there even only a little late, even half an hour, isn't it? Every time they see me dressed so beautifully, with  that artificial fur which imitates so well the sable, all those elders, which no one comes to see them anymore and which no one gets to ask them anything, their faces start to glow and they say to themselves: "Look. That distinguished and beautiful lady came to see us again. Yes, yes, the Lady. You can see from miles that she is soo rich and see she is soo kind at heart. With the money  that she will slip under our pillows as usual we will be able to get what we need to for us to have another peaceful week. "... If I ever had a boy,I would have wanted him to look like you, Ionas.

            Babis' s roar is heard, who appears carring an empty, huge and metal box that is quite damaged.

BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Bastards! Bastards! Our brothers, our brothers! Macedonia is Greek! Thieves! Yes,yes, I had a premonition that they will screw us ... I had a premonition that I will wear them an everlasting memory ... I had a premonition that they will cleanse us of the past memories ... Can you imagine? Can you imagine?

THEOLOGos: Relax, Colonel! What do you mean?

BABIS: Rats! They ran away, they ran away wherever they thought so! They did not even look back, they no longer cared about their tools of thousands of euros, of their powerful and  proud  tools and bascules ... Can you imagine? Can you imagine? They found the treasure, Vovaaa! They found it! They scattered like partridges!

THEOLOGos: Vasilis' old treasure! Be serious! We all know that it was just a story for children, a legend good to tell only at the tavern to stall the time spent there!

BABIS: Yes and what is it written on here? What do you think this is?

THEOLOGos: A gold ingot? Right? Phenomenal... is that how a gold ingot looks like? Can I touch it?

BABIS: 99.99%... They were so busy to disappear as soon as they could, that they did not realize that they lost it... How come I have never realized: the treasure, meaning all those 99.99% gold ingots, was hidden in a niche behind the old boiler, in this rusty box. Only on there nobody figured it out to look for it, to knock on that wall full of soot... They found it acidentally when they had to fix those goddamn angle iron... Can you imagine? I think there must have been at least a ton of these ingots ...

THEOLOGos:You exaggerate, as usual.

BABIS: Well, maybe not a ton, but six, eight hundred pounds for sure... Our brothers!

THEOLOGos: BABIS, BABIS... From the lineage and relatives you get nothing ... Mounapano! Mounapano!

Nadejda's voice: What did you do? Murderers! Murderers! You killed my youth! Ouch, my daughter, what did they do to you! You killed my old age! Murderers!

BABIS:What is the Bulgarian doing at this time in the hotel? Ionas!

IONAS :I do not know!

BABIS: Ionas!

IONAS: Boss, she had no place to sleep and ...

BABIS: I hope she's not in room 3!... Tell me she is not in the bloody room 3!

Nadejda's voice: Murderers! Burn like the candle! Here, here in the fridge you've figured out to put her in! You killed my old age! Murderers! Murderers!

BABIS: Get her out, Vova, get that crazy out of the hotel until it is too late... Arrest her, why do you stand and stare at me like a fool?

THEOLOGos: What's with this smoke? Oh my God, she lit on all curtains from hallway , the Bulgarian! Crazy her! An arsonist, that's what we were in need of!

BABIS: Urgent! Urgent! Call the firemen! Call the firemen at once!

THEOLOGos: BABIS, you realize what will happen if the firemen come  here, do you realize, BABIS? Do you realize?

BABIS: Ooooo! Do not call any firemen! Do not call any firemen!

Nadejda's voice: Murderers! Murderers!

IONAS (surprisingly calm): Uncle BABIS, there are two gentlemen with diplomats looking for you, they say they are from Let's Go Europe!They ask very politely if we receive them for the check ... Do we receive them or ...?

Nadejda's voice: Murderers! Murderers!

BABIS: Wonderful! Wonderful! Just in time! Everything links!

THEOLOGos: Why do you stay allodapon Ionas, grab a fire extinguisher, grab a broom, a bucket of water, do you not see that the fire has spread everywhere!?

IONAS: I see, but that does not really help me. My hands are tied ... It got stuck to my head: in this country I have no right without a work permit, not even the right to move a match.

THEOLOGos: Ionas! Ionas!

IONAS (surprisingly calm): Uncle BABIS, the retirees are looking for you ... Today I do not think they came to invite you to play chess ...

BABIS: Which retirees? Which chess? What do I have to do with the retirees? Wonderful! Wonderful! Everything links! Everything links me!

IONAS: The retirees from who you have gathered the 5000 € ... The olives ... The orchard from Aegina...The olive oil ... They seem very disappointed! They seem very angry!

BABIS: What are you staring at? Kick them out! Kick them out, Ionas!

IONAS: I cannot, in this hostel I have no right any longer , not even the right to could can...

THEOLOGos: Ionas! Ionas!

IONAS: I remembered, finally I remembered. I am not Ionas but Ionica ... Io-ni-ca! Did you understand, mister Theologos! Ion from Romania, postcode 607358! From Romania! ... I am not sure yet about the postcode, but I promise to remember it next time ... if I still find you around here. Did you understand?

THEOLOGos: Malaka! Malaka!

Nadejda's voice: Babiiiis! Babiiis! How could you? You pervert!

BABIS: Wonderful! Wonderful! How wonderfully it links! Everything links! Everything links me!

DINA: Did Vasilis came? Did Vasilis, finally come? I thought I heard his voice ... Did he not come, did he? He will not come over here too soon, right? I heard he is too busy living his own life and he doesn't have the time to handle the one of others. That may be so? When he will figure it out, I'm afraid it will be too late ... What time is it, Ionas? I thought I heard the snooze ... Can anyone tell me for once? What bloody time is it ... What time is it?!

CURTAIN

Glossary untranslatable:

Napas na gamiteis, mounapano, malaka, gamata, psoli, apateonas, pusti”  - words and popular expressions  with "steam" in Greek slang.

---

[1] Communist Party of Greece

² All Workers Militant Front

³ The Greek Confederation of Civil Servants

[4] ¹ allodapon - Stranger (gr)

[5] Don't change your lipstick daily  beause my cock already looks like a rainbow! (Greek)